Late Night: BREAKING — British Petroleum to Sue Pelicans for Theft of Company Assets By: Thers Saturday May 29, 2010 8:01 pm

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Late Night: BREAKING — British Petroleum to Sue Pelicans for Theft of Company Assets
By: Thers Saturday May 29, 2010 8:01 pm

BATON ROUGE — British Petroleum, whose Deepwater Horizon crude oil extraction facility has historically done so much to liberate America from a debilitating reliance upon petroleum products provided by swarthy, untrustworthy foreigners, today announced its decision to sue Louisiana-based brown pelicans in federal court for the theft of valuable company assets.

“Many people have seen the pictures of these so-called ‘victims’ in the main-stream media,” said Mr. Waldorf T. Flywheel, a spokesman for BP’s Legal Affairs Division, “and leap to entirely false conclusions. These felonious waterfowl are anything but the blameless sufferers of alleged corporate malfeasance Americans have been led to believe. Instead they are little more than common criminals — pelican pirates, if you will — deliberately immersing themselves in private property in an attempt to abscond with it.”

Asked where the pelicans might be plotting to purvey the purloined petroleum, Mr. Flywheel speculated, “probably Venezuela. That would just totally figure.”